Reasons for loving older man

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10 serious questions to ask yourself before you commit for the long haul | W24
You don&#x27,t want a Carrie Bradshaw and Mr Big situation in your life. Dating an older man? 10 serious questions to ask yourself before you commit for the long haul.
 
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Do you get turned on by thought of a man who’s got his finances all figured out? Or maybe a salt-and-pepper beard just gets you going? If you answered yes to either of these questions, you might want to consider dating an older man. Don’t worry, you’re in good company. Amal and George. Beyoncé and Jay-Z. Blake and Ryan. These celebrity couples all have age gaps that span at least 10 years. And they all seem to be making it work. But there are a few things you should consider before jumping into a relationship like this, including emotional maturity, finances, children, ex-wives and so much more. So I tapped two relationship experts, clinical psychologist Dr Chloe Carmichael, and integrative holistic psychotherapist Rebecca Hendrix, to break down the most important things you should consider before dating an older man. 1. You may not be in the relationship for all the right reasons. “We don’t really know who someone is for the first two to six months of a relationship,” Hendrix says. So it’s really important to ask yourself why you’re so attracted to any person, but especially one that’s significantly older than you. You could be projecting stereotypes on to them just because of their age, Hendrix says. Maybe you think they’re more settled or assume that they travel a lot because you met on holiday, but the truth is they’re not even looking for commitment and they only go on holiday once a year. If you’re attracted to someone older, Hendrix usually advises her clients to just bounce the idea off someone you trust first. 2. He may have a lot more — or a lot less — time for you. If your S.O. is an older man, he may have a more flexible work schedule (or even be retired, if he’s way older), which means more free time for you. This can be refreshing for many women, says Hendrix, especially if you’re used to dating guys who don’t know what they want (out of life or in a relationship). But the truth is, this grateful feeling can be fleeting. “The things that are very attractive or exciting to you right now are likely to be the same things that annoy or concern you later on,” Hendrix says. Fast-forward a year into the relationship, and his less-than-busy schedule could feel stifling, Hendrix warns. Maybe he wants to go on romantic weekend getaways every Friday, but you can’t leave work until 8 or 9 p.m. because you’re still climbing the corporate ladder and have a few more years of grinding to do. You may find that you two have different ideas about how you want to spend your time together. On the flip side, you might find that an older man has less time for you than you’d hoped. If he’s in an executive-level position at a company, he might work late nights, which means dinners out with you aren’t going to happen often. Or perhaps he’s just a man of routine (fair, at his age), and work has trumped everything else for so long, quality time just isn’t on the top of his priority list. Are you cool with this? If not, and this is the case, you might want to have a chat — or date younger. 3. You might not be as emotionally mature as you think. Yes, I said it! He’s been in the game longer than you, which means he could be more emotionally intelligent. But this isn’t necessarily a bad thing. You want someone who knows how to fight and handle conflict, Hendrix says. But you have to be sure you’re on the same emotional maturity level as him. Otherwise, “all of the things that can tend to make a relationship work — shared experience, values, communication, ability to handle conflict — could become obstacles or areas of disconnect,” Hendrix says. An older man might not want to play the back-and-forth games of a younger gentleman. Instead, he might be super direct and feel comfortable saying exactly what’s on his mind, Carmichael says. But are you? Dating an older man might require you to become more vulnerable and let down a few your typical guards. 4. There might be an ex-wife or children in his life. If he’s got more than a couple years on you, then he’s likely had a couple more relationships, too. And one of them may have even ended in divorce. Again—not a bad thing. If your man has been through a marriage that didn’t work out, “they tend to approach the second marriage with more care and wisdom, bringing along lessons they learned about themselves as a partner in the previous relationship,” Carmichael says. (Woot!) That said, if he has kids from that relationship, that’s something else to consider. How old are his kids? Does he see them often? Will you be involved in their lives? This requires a serious conversation. Integrating into his family could prove to be more difficult than you thought, especially if he has older daughters, Carmichael says. Studies show daughters are less receptive to bringing a younger woman into the family, she notes. 5. Your life trajectories could be headed in completely different directions. If the older man you’re seeing is someone you’re seriously considering spending the future with, you may want to actually talk about your futures. Chances are, he may have a completely different picture of what the next 10 or 20 years look like. “Even if you were dating someone your own age, you wouldn’t want to assume they had the same trajectory for their life as you did,” Carmichael says. And you definitely don’t want to do that in a relationship with a sizeable age gap, since they probably have a more concrete picture of the next few years. Maybe you want to get married and have two kids, move out to the country and retire somewhere on a vineyard. But he’s been there, done that. He has the kids, a retirement house far from the city, and is one maintenance payment away from hiding his money offshore. (Let’s hope not.)It’s important to understand what both of you want your lives to look like in the future. Try saying: “I know that you’ve probably already done a lot of the things in life that I want to do,” Carmichael recommends. Then ask him if he’d be willing to do those things (think: marriage, kids, travelling often), again. This gives the person a chance to say, “Yeah, I’d love a second chance at doing those things,” or “No, I’m more interested in enjoying my freedom.” Either way, after this conversation, you can make an informed decision about whether your futures actually align. 6. Your sex drives may not be the same. “Within every couple, regardless of age, there’s always someone who wants more sex or less sex,” Hendrix says. “But that can be even more pronounced with big age differences.

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